Overcoming inner critique and breaking free from external validation
I had a client, Christina, who came to me with the desire to “overcome self-doubt and start truly ‘living’—to build confidence from within rather than relying on external validation, to feel that she is good just as she is, and to dare to take on new challenges without the many hesitant thoughts before starting.” The core of her challenge was low self-esteem, almost a sense of shame about who she was. However, you would never see her doubts about herself, on the surface she was living a successful life and having an amazing career.
What we did in the coaching sessions
We worked on multiple levels. We began with the body, practicing how to ground herself. We examined her thought patterns and the mechanisms that triggered negative self-talk and low self-worth. Between sessions, she practiced becoming aware of her patterns, noting them down, writing about them, creating space to process her emotions rather than suppressing them, and inviting in more positive perspectives about herself—along with a general sense of gratitude. Practicing gratitude is powerful!
One specific pattern we explored was the negative monologue she often engaged in. Like many of us, she had an inner critic that would cast doubt on her abilities, preventing her from taking action on things that mattered to her. Over time through coaching, Christina learned to recognise that critical voice and stop it. Instead of replaying the same old script, she introduced a positive affirmation.
For example, whenever Christina was about to start a new task, she would be paralyzed by fear: “I won’t be able to do this,” “This will end in failure.” Initially, she didn’t even notice these thoughts, but she could feel the heavy, negative emotions they created. Once she became aware of them, she regained control. She wrote down the negative statements and rewrote them as affirmations. They became: “I am good at getting started on things” and “I am skilled at finding creative solutions.” Every time her inner critic began to take over, she invited in her inner supportive voice with one of these affirmations.
Below, you’ll find an exercise that helped Christina break her negative patterns and strengthen her self-esteem.
Exercise: Breaking the inner critical monologue
Start noticing your inner monologue. What do you say to yourself throughout the day?
Write down your thoughts about yourself.
Once you’ve written them down, see how you can reframe them into a positive statement—an affirmation.
The next time you speak to yourself negatively, pause and invite in the positive affirmation. Repeat it several times until you feel a shift in your internal state. I want to emphasise the importance of actually learning to feel the positive state.
You can also repeat the affirmation without any specific reason, as practice outside of “critical” moments.
What did coaching lead to?
We began our sixth session with a visualization exercise, and in it, she saw herself as a flower. It was different from the others—more colorful, with bolder shapes—yet so radiant and beautiful. She intuitively knew that she was that flower. Suddenly, she felt that if the flower had the right to exist and enrich the meadow with its presence, then she, too, had the right to be herself and take up space.
All the work leading up to this moment made this vision possible, and the visualization strengthened her insight and belief in herself. Cultivating a positive self-image is possible, and it brings tremendous joy to life, work, and relationships.